Life Lesson #231 from Mongo or Learn to Shut Up at Church

Never say you can’t teach an old bastard new tricks.

I made the mistake of sharing to much information about my church (The Church of Shut the Fuck Up the Game Is On) with someone and had to spend the day watching Lifetime and taking a field trip to Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and Mangelson’s. I have never been in  buildings full of so much overpriced bullshit and estrogen in my life.

I attempted to find an escape route  by sneaking through the fake flowers and canned scent aisle only to be cornered by a roving band of scrap-booking security guards who were on to the attempted escape. From there I was hastily returned to the section on special stickers for scrapbooks of dance class. Talk about getting put in solitary.

The prison bus then made a pit stop at the land of enchanted “who buys this crap” full of more fake flowers and picture frames. If only I could have reached the switch on the frame cutter while my head was in it my agony would have been over. Butttt NOOOOOOOO, busted again it was off to wicker world. Fuck me. Oh here’s a tip, never tell them that you know these things are weaved together by 8 year olds making 4 cents a month, them damn things hurt when your hit with one from 2 shelves away. Sports people got nothing on pissed off little old lady’s in a hobby store that just had their human rights stance questioned.

All my protests landed on deaf ears however I had a flashback to my youth when my loving spouse grabbed me by the ear and told me to behave or the next stop was going to be at the ankle bashing cart coral happening over at the white sale at Bed Bath and Beyond.

I thought maybe I would get a reprieve at lunch and be able to catch some part of some game but I was wrong again. Lunch was served at some overly fluffy place that forced me to spend over an hour in deep conversation with my darling wife, while spending 10 bucks on a so called sandwich that wouldn’t have filled a gnat with anorexia and no TV in sight.

All my bitching and sighing only compounded the problem as I was informed while driving past Whole Foods Market, “Keep it up Jackass and I will start shopping there as well.” Christ even the guys in the pen get tv and food made with good by-products.

At this point I was thinking about how bad it would really hurt if I leaped from the car at 50mph. Then came the stop to shop for clothes. We couldn’t even go to a place that had the man chair by the fitting rooms. While bashing my head repeatedly against the chrome rack of close-outs the inevitable question came. “Do I look fat in this?” How fucking crazy do you have to be to ask me that now, I thought. But me sense of survival took over and I smiled and said “No dear , that  color really  highlights your jelly rolls.” Apparently that wasn’t the answer she was looking for. I could tell this by the 100mph fastball she fired at my head using her cell phone.

After a stop at the cell phone kiosk, it was off to Bath and Body works. Like walking barefoot over shards of broken glass my head began pounding from the mixed scent of boysenberry, cucumber, lilac, and cantaloupe. Now I know what vegetarian barf would smell like.

I was silent for the trip home. Battered, bruised and broken I now knew my place in the food chain. Valuable lessons were learned this day. Keep telling yourself it will end soon while keeping your mouth shut, smile politely and agree with any question asked, whimpering while passing a Craftsman display at Sears will get you nowhere, buying a bigger better lock for the door to the man cave is a really really good idea and never ever ever ever ever tell your wife to shut up, she doesn’t even know what a nickle defense is and she should stick to something she knows. That only gets you the day long journey her house of worship,aka the mall called “Get Even With His Pompous Ass and Bring Him Here.”

Mongo Torrey


23 responses to “Life Lesson #231 from Mongo or Learn to Shut Up at Church

  1. Now thats damn funny stuff.

  2. Looks like a Captains convention around here.

    And one’s wife fights dirty, bringing the Mother in Law into the battle.

    The staff here at Eye on Omaha extends our deepest sympathy.

    Bugs Manderson

  3. Captain Obvious

    I have no idea who that last guy was.

  4. Captain Anonymity

    She hit me with her purse, called me bad names, made me sleep on the couch, and threatened to have her mother come stay with us. Please help me!!!!

  5. Captain Obvious


    My wife read this… quote, “So I have your balls huh?”
    File this under life lesson #232. Sometimes complete anonymity is a good thing! I would like to write more… maybe not right now.

  6. Al, Steve, Dan, Robert

    We would like to laugh but then our wives would do the same to us and your right, there is no pain like wicker world. Tip…never try to nap on the display couches. They frown on that.

    Everyone got a good laugh. Thanks

  7. Horray for the Mrs. I like the Day Spa Idea. I’m writting that one down.

    Love your stuff Mongo. You never fail to make me laugh out loud.

  8. LMFAO Thats god damn funny

  9. OMG This is funny. Kudo’s to your wife for setting you str8.
    You are one funny person. I am sending this link to everyone I know.
    Look forward to more reading.

  10. I laughed out loud so hard it caused a gethering outside my cube. Now I think there is an entire floor here at work reading this.
    After reading some of your other threads I want to join the fan club.
    You sure have the gift of telling a good story.
    Thanks for making our day.

  11. Mongo's Fan Club

    Mongo here is one that relates to your pain.

    There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little
    girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
    reading. The girl came up to him and asked, “what do you have under the
    newspaper?” Thinking quickly, the guy replied, “A bird.” The girl walked
    away, and the guy fell asleep.
    When he woke up, he was in the hospital in
    tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, “I
    don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a
    question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is I’m here.”
    The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her “What did
    you do to that naked fellow?” After a pause, the girl replied, “To him?
    Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its
    neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!”
    Moral of the story………………..Never lie to a female

  12. Hey there is plenty to do here.
    Let us know when your coming Reese, we will take you cow tipping and rock skipping.

    Bugs Manderson

  13. Captain Obvious

    Don’t come. We have to do this for our own entertainment. It is because there is nothing else here.

  14. Hey Mongo,
    The fires got close to us here on the coast but we survived.
    Thanks for the laughs, it was much needed after a long couple of weeks.
    You folks in Omaha are something else. Someday I am going to take a trip there just to figure out why you all have so much damn fun.


  15. Captain Obvious

    So when do you plan on asking for your balls back? (my wife still has mine….she said that there is not room for them in my superhero speedo!)

  16. Over the Road

    Your one funny sonofabitch

  17. Shantel,Missy,Dawn,Lisa

    There ya go girl. Make his ass pay.
    She shoulda taken your smart ass to the day spa with her and made you wait while she got the works. There aint nothing better than watch a man squirm for hours with nothing to read but Woman’s Day.

    We still love your shit Mongo. Thanks for making us laugh.

    The girls from FNB

  18. We feel your pain brother.

  19. Better watch yourself Mongo, next time it might be the craft fair.

  20. Captain Obvious

    Reminds me of the great advice Dad gave me just before I entered in to marriage. “Son, you can be right or you can be happy.” I am proud to admit I have been happy for the better part of 18 years.

  21. Thanks Flounder glad you could attend this evening.

  22. Amen brothers and sisters.

  23. Another work of art yet again Mongo.
    I laughed right up untill my wife started hitting me with her handbag.

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