Never say you can’t teach an old bastard new tricks.
I made the mistake of sharing to much information about my church (The Church of Shut the Fuck Up the Game Is On) with someone and had to spend the day watching Lifetime and taking a field trip to Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and Mangelson’s. I have never been in buildings full of so much overpriced bullshit and estrogen in my life.
I attempted to find an escape route by sneaking through the fake flowers and canned scent aisle only to be cornered by a roving band of scrap-booking security guards who were on to the attempted escape. From there I was hastily returned to the section on special stickers for scrapbooks of dance class. Talk about getting put in solitary.
The prison bus then made a pit stop at the land of enchanted “who buys this crap” full of more fake flowers and picture frames. If only I could have reached the switch on the frame cutter while my head was in it my agony would have been over. Butttt NOOOOOOOO, busted again it was off to wicker world. Fuck me. Oh here’s a tip, never tell them that you know these things are weaved together by 8 year olds making 4 cents a month, them damn things hurt when your hit with one from 2 shelves away. Sports people got nothing on pissed off little old lady’s in a hobby store that just had their human rights stance questioned.
All my protests landed on deaf ears however I had a flashback to my youth when my loving spouse grabbed me by the ear and told me to behave or the next stop was going to be at the ankle bashing cart coral happening over at the white sale at Bed Bath and Beyond.
I thought maybe I would get a reprieve at lunch and be able to catch some part of some game but I was wrong again. Lunch was served at some overly fluffy place that forced me to spend over an hour in deep conversation with my darling wife, while spending 10 bucks on a so called sandwich that wouldn’t have filled a gnat with anorexia and no TV in sight.
All my bitching and sighing only compounded the problem as I was informed while driving past Whole Foods Market, “Keep it up Jackass and I will start shopping there as well.” Christ even the guys in the pen get tv and food made with good by-products.
At this point I was thinking about how bad it would really hurt if I leaped from the car at 50mph. Then came the stop to shop for clothes. We couldn’t even go to a place that had the man chair by the fitting rooms. While bashing my head repeatedly against the chrome rack of close-outs the inevitable question came. “Do I look fat in this?” How fucking crazy do you have to be to ask me that now, I thought. But me sense of survival took over and I smiled and said “No dear , that color really highlights your jelly rolls.” Apparently that wasn’t the answer she was looking for. I could tell this by the 100mph fastball she fired at my head using her cell phone.
After a stop at the cell phone kiosk, it was off to Bath and Body works. Like walking barefoot over shards of broken glass my head began pounding from the mixed scent of boysenberry, cucumber, lilac, and cantaloupe. Now I know what vegetarian barf would smell like.
I was silent for the trip home. Battered, bruised and broken I now knew my place in the food chain. Valuable lessons were learned this day. Keep telling yourself it will end soon while keeping your mouth shut, smile politely and agree with any question asked, whimpering while passing a Craftsman display at Sears will get you nowhere, buying a bigger better lock for the door to the man cave is a really really good idea and never ever ever ever ever tell your wife to shut up, she doesn’t even know what a nickle defense is and she should stick to something she knows. That only gets you the day long journey her house of worship,aka the mall called “Get Even With His Pompous Ass and Bring Him Here.”