Happy Thankristmas at Wal-Mart

Today I had to make a pregame run to the Mecca of madness to replace my 800lb Sony paperweight once known as a TV. Now don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the Walton family’s penchant for deep discounts and providing jobs for people who would normally be fart sniffers in the seat department for the bus company, however upon entering the temple of thrift and dodging the door greeter sharing the story of her boil removal surgery, I was blasted into the insanity that has become the Christmas shopping season. It isn’t even cold out yet but I swear I saw some jackass in a Santa suit handing out candy canes in the candy aisle.

As I tried to fight my way back to electronics to find a suitable flat screen with which to watch the Patriots-Colts game I found there was no escaping the madness.

It isn’t even black Friday and already grown women are knocking people over to get to the Hannah Montana gift sets. There were artificial tree displays up, freshly lit and begging my wife to order me to actually string the lights up on the house this year. I can’t wait to dangle my ass on a 30 foot ladder tangled in wire while Charlie the nosiest neighbor in the west comes out to supervise. Then she spots the gift box selection and I know this has now turned into a 2 hour credit card max fest.

By the time I get to the back of the store I find the big screen display area inundated with a full head of teeth split between 20 people all asking is this TV would fit in their trailer. And it’s really hard to judge how the big game is going to look when every screen is set to NASCAR highlights of the Dover Dirt Track Regional Championship.

After finally gaining the attention of the clerk with more zits than brain cells, I made a quick choice, was ordered to pay at the counter loaded with shoppers pouring over digital cameras they were interested in so they could capture cousin Fred’s colonoscopy,all because they were afraid I might make a break for the door with a 72″ flat screen tucked under my arm while I fumbled for my keys while dodging 400lb woman on the electric go cart with a basket.

Attempting to make a quick escape to the pick up area so I could get home and set this mother up by kick off was a far fetched idea. I had to say no to the extended overpriced warranty, hear about his homecoming escapades and get some dolts uninvited opinion on how great porn looks on one of these baby’s.

When the transaction was finally complete and I thought my horror was about to end the clerk wished me “Happy Holidays”. It isn’t even god damn Thanksgiving you mentally void pimple popper. I’m still eating Halloween candy some kid dropped in my front yard when I fired up the wood chipper and your telling me happy holiday? First its fucking Christmas you politically correct adolescent and you need to wait a few weeks before you break out the Santa shit. I know everyone of these stores wants to capture every red cent of our shopping dollar but what ever happened to power shopping the week before the fat guy and his 8 tiny Ted Nugent targets flew over town.

And nobody needs half this shit they have on display anyway. When is the last time you used a combination pocket knife, tire pressure gage, electronic scent detector and eyebrow pencil. I have a drawer full of useless holiday gifts that are ready for the trash as soon as Aunt Milly takes the long dirt nap.

The part of the trip that was rather enjoying was watching the kids that hadn’t washed their faces in weeks over in the toy department searching the bottom of the boxes for paint flecks from anything made in China. Like we needed an explanation about their behavior as it is.

Receipt in hand I wedged myself through the throngs of ornament pickers and located my wife. Great  a fucking cart full of icicle lights for me to put up. Not only that but it meant another hour of waiting in line at the one of the four check-stands that were open and lined with people who still can’t master the art of sliding their debit card through the slot on the machine. When we actually began to load the bundles of glittering bulbs of several trips up the ladder to the Emergency room on the belt and I figured we were no more than 15 minutes from leaving the parking lot, Matilda the really really lonely checker began to speak. She proceeded to read the box the lights were packed in and tell us about the holiday display her dearly departed husband Merle used to put up before his tragic accident involving the gasoline and a chipmunk. Finally she handed us our receipt and I pushed my spousal unit away before this woman could offer her take on how happy the holidays should be. Running for the door must have sparked interest in the door greeter again who insisted on checking our receipt item by item and informing me I was missing the TV and again how she had just had a boil removed.

Racing to the truck and then dodging as many painfully slow walking pedestrians as I could I pulled up to the door, dropped the tailgate and hurriedly loaded the new altar into the truck. Thank god the employee sent to assist was a mute but did mumble hmmm hmhmms as my tires screeched out of the lot.

By the time I got this thing installed and ready to worship the new Apostle Tom Brady , it was only minutes to kick off and I had missed all the early games that would have allowed me to gain the perfect position on the sofa sectional pew.

It was a heavenly experience. You could even see the outline of the band-aids covering the nipples of the Colt cheer leaders. Now that’s HD TV.

My wife is making plans to disgrace the temple of the man cave by holding a scrap-booking and chick flick marathon ON MY NEW TV, however I laid down the law and told her it would have to occur on the first Saturday following the Army Navy game. Every man knows that between that and the first bowl game all that is on is Cat Wrestling. I put that date on the calender as the Saturday to put up the 250,000 imported Italian twinkle lights. As long as their crap is out before the start of the most  important of holiday seasons……Bowl Week.

Merry Thanksgiving and Happy Christmas

Mongo Torrey



30 responses to “Happy Thankristmas at Wal-Mart

  1. Ok I have just read the two entries and I think I pissed my pants laughing. WTF are you cuz your one funny sob. What else ya got?

  2. Funny shit. I think I worked there once to.

  3. Will you two fools stop trying to outdo each other, I’m trying to sleep here.

    Mongo Torrey

  4. Captain Obvious

    The Captian has his standards too! “Pleasantly overweight” and “beautiful if they lost 300 lbs” in the same sentance. I draw the line at rolling around with something that could crush the life out of me. Super powers not withstanding, a guy has to breathe!

    BTW not “Underpants” it’s OBVIOUS. I do have a cape. Actually last week, at a restaraunt, I came out of the men’s room with my cape accidentally tucked into my speedo. OMG how embarrassing.

  5. … and you could have the good Captain Underpants waving the checkered flag in his Speedo. I’m sure the the pleasantly over-weight females (that would be beatiful if they lost 300lbs) would like to see that. The winner could roll around in flour (insert joke) with the good Captain.

    The scooters could have sponsors like Krispy Kreme and Dairy Queen.

  6. I’d pay to watch really fat people race on electric scooter however think of the crashes…It would have to be Pay per view, Id be afraid to stand to close to the track and be consumed by blubber after a spin out.

  7. You people are awfull


  8. Captain Obvious

    Sleep is for sissy’s! I was up late at Wal-mart surveying the best track for fat-people races! (insert superhero music here)

  9. My friend got accused by our manager last night of writting that.
    He was like I dont even know where OMaha is. We think you might have hit to close to the truth for some people. love it.
    St.Charles Mo.

  10. Captain, do you ever sleep ?
    We love that video too.
    Patches came up with an idea to hold scooter races in the store for these people. One it would entertain the NASCAR crowd and imagine the fun of watching some 400lb person wipping out the produce display trying to make the turn into asile two.
    More fun than Mrs. B. used to be at a remnant sale.

  11. Captain Obvious

    Ok, I have an idea. Wal-mart could start a new fitness program. For these massive people that request a scooter, say no. Have someone from sporting goods dangle a twinkie suspended on 4 lb test connected to a zebco rod and reel combo. Walk in front of them like you were dangling a carrot in front of Bugs Bunny. Make them walk until they can’t breath anymore and then let them catch the twinkie. This would help melt pounds away and help improve the health of these people. Imagine the goodwill generated by such a concept. What to call the program? Wal-mart’s Wonderful Wellness and Weight loss World.

    Yes I am making fun of the morbidly obese. I also laugh every Christmas time when I go find the Burger King-Guy on the internet singing, “I wok a burgewr king, make a fwame bwoiled whoppa and wea a papa hat. Do you want applew pie wit dat? Ding fwies awre done.” You want political correctness? You would need to talk to my mild mannered alter-ego. Funny is just plain funny.

  12. Bro thats all the truth. Duz the mart bus in all them backwards ass shoppers I never knew we had people like that livin round here. they musta sneaked over from W.V. when we were asleep.

  13. OMG You are so hilarious
    I dont know where or what omaha is but a crew of us here in Las Vegas think your the bomb with this stuff. How often do you update this blog? We dont want to miss a thing.

  14. Ok Mongo has out done himself with this one.
    I was just finished reading his posts from today when your comment came in Captain and I got to say I think your right. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone ridding around on one of these scooters that did not weigh under 300lbs and the basket was full of snack food.

    Bugs Manderson

  15. Captain Obvious

    “400lb woman on the electric go cart.” Have you ever seen handicapped people using these or are they specifically reserved for the morbidly obese? Maybe Wally-World is doing a dis-service to these people. Do you know how many calories it takes to move 400+lbs from one end of the store to the other… only problem is that they would need to have numerous portable defibrillators available to get the blood pumping through the lard clogged arteries of these extra large humaniods.

  16. Mary and Rachel

    I found this when I did a search on Wal Mart and had to show this to the entire floor. That is so funny. Pretty soon the stores will be putting out Santa right next to Uncle Sam on the 4th of July.
    We will be back. Enjoyed all your stuff.

  17. I work at Wal Mart and I’m laughing my butt off. Ya’ll got us laughing down here in Texarkana, don’t let the boss man know though.

  18. You just made me look at shopping at Wal-Mart in a whole new light.

  19. Captain she already hates the 8 foot inflatable Homer-Santa I purchased a few years ago. He looks great up on the roof.

  20. You are nuts. We feel special, every time someone try to tell us about your blog we proudly proclaim that we have been reading you for a long time.
    Keep the laughs coming. It is a great way to start the day. Even our manager reads this first thing in the morning.

  21. Captain Obvious

    Maybe you could also replace Mary and Joseph with Homer and Marge Simpson dolls…

  22. I’ve got nothing….other than coffee spit on my screen and co-workers looking at me like an escapee from the regional center.

    I can only imagine what you would write for Leno’s monolog.

    Mongo, you are the man. Maybe we can get you some time on cable access.

  23. Ok you two are starting to sound way to much alike. The Max Mcgee comments at about the same minute in time are screaming of two words…LIFE PARTNERS…..just kidding guys…

    I go through this house lighting project about every three years but once she figures out i have spelled out profanity in multicolored subliminal lighting she backs off for a season or two….I am plotting this years offensive display at this minute…what do you think, replace the baby in the manger with a stuffed Stewy doll from family guy?

  24. So you are a scab wannabe?

    Very funny stuff. Wouldn’t it be great to know the Wal-Martites vision of you? Or your wife’s view of the Man Cave and the flat screen? Think how proud a dog carries a prized bone in his mouth. But I should talk…..I have married married only slightly fewer times than Santa has reindeer.

    Please be careful while hanging the boss’ lights. Max Magee died falling off his roof. Sure, he was 75 and you are not, but he was tough enough to catch the first Super Bowl pass while hungover. The moral is don’t drink and drone.

  25. Captian Obvious.

    Oh how I wish I could see Mongo on a ladder doing his best impression of Clark W. Griswold putting up 10,000 imported twinkling lights just to have his father-in-law say, “They’re not twinkling.”

    Mongo, maybe you should point out to your wife that getting on a ladder to put up lights can be dangerous. Remember a few weeks ago. Superbowl I hero Max McGee feel off his roof and died while clearing leaves… wait maybe your wife has plans for you. Is your life insurance paid up? Um…. nevermind.

  26. We offered to write for Leno but after reading the samples we sent all we could hear on the phone was something about FCC and thanks but no thanks. And I was all set to work on my tan and dodging bagels being thrown at me for crossing the picket line.

  27. Ever think about being a comedy writer???? Good thing you are not on strike!

  28. Mongo you crack me up bro.

  29. Oh my god, who the hell is this person? After reading some of the things under his tagline I can only imagine what they could be like in real life. Funny Funny stuff, look forward to coming back and reading more.

  30. What demented person thinks up this shit. I laughed my ass off.
    And its so true as well.
    Keep it up. More More More

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